


Unbalanced

by Chainlocker



Series: May Time Never Release Us [2]
Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: ANYWAY Y'ALL I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME A LITERAL YEAR TO GET THIS STARTED AGAIN BUT AAAAA, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, I promise, I swear I'm gonna try to work on this more because I've once again been hit by the Grishaverse love, I'm just a goddamn sadist I guess, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Smut, Time Loop, and I will in fact cry, anyway, because u know that Aleks is gonna be stubborn af, but y'know Alexander and Alina will get their fluff moments, eventually, i have returned, sorry for my fluff lovers out there, this might not have as much fluff in it because if u know me I am in fact a fiend for angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28189017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chainlocker/pseuds/Chainlocker
Summary: Fear was the last thing he remembered, the fear of being alone, the fear of desecration and beingusedby people who were unworthy.But the universe had other plans for him.Another chance, another life, another Alina to chase after.~~~The continuation ofHis Savior!
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Nikolai Lantsov/Alina Starkov
Series: May Time Never Release Us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1592296
Comments: 19
Kudos: 72





	Unbalanced

**Author's Note:**

> I will say, I totally fell off of the Grishaverse for this last year (as well as like... all of my other fandoms, rip) but apparently November/December is Grisha Time for me, so huzzah! We have the second part of His Savior, at long last!
> 
> A huge thanks to all the readers who have been leaving comments throughout this year, I finally got the will to write again after all this time because I got a wave of comments on His Savior that finally got me to get my ass in gear and actually start posting stuff again :D the people that comment are truly the best, you guys give me so much serotonin <3
> 
> And for new readers - reading His Savior before this is highly reccomended, though not technically required? His Savior will give a lot of background info either way, so -3-

_Unbalanced._

He sat up with a jerk, hand flying up to clutch at his chest. The sight of Alina flashed through his mind, her hands covered with blood and tears in her eyes as she held onto him, promised that she would get rid of his body.

What kind of cruel trick was this?

He looked around, seeing fairly clearly even in the dim light. It seemed like he was back in his rooms at the Little Palace.

The Darkling’s heart was still lightly pounding in his chest as he slowly got up and started to get dressed. He took comfort in the blackness of his clothes, his kefta - the color of power that he had made by himself. If this was some kind of hell, it wasn’t a very good one if it allowed him to stay in the more comfortable places in his life.

There were no scars on his body from the volcra, he noticed. Maybe he was reliving memories.

When he stepped out of his rooms to receive his breakfast, he was surprised to see Ivan step in after the servant that held his food. He would have said that it was a cruel trick, if he held any care for his former second in command.

“Moi soverenyi,” the man intoned seriously. Just as formal as always.

The Darkling nodded to him, stepped over to the table to eat in silence as he usually did, clearing his plate before sitting back and addressing his Heartrender. “Do we have a Sun Summoner in Ravka?”

Ivan blinked. “No, sir.”

“And yet we do.” That was a start, to begin to figure out where or when he was. “Send someone to Keramzin. There’s a girl there named Alina, I want her here by next week.”

“How do you know?”

The Darkling stared at him evenly, until Ivan looked away finally. “Next week, Ivan. Get someone moving, or I’ll send you there myself.”

The man nodded. “We have the demonstration at the winter fete in three days. Do you want me to pull one of our Squallers out?”

“One of the Inferni. They’ll want some power behind them if they are to get her here.” He closed his eyes for a moment. It was odd to not feel the slight tug and pull of his scars on his face. But whether he was in some sort of hell or if he had been sent back in life, he would have Alina this time. He wouldn’t let her struggle so much. She wouldn’t get away from him.

And he wouldn’t let that damned tracker get in the way, either.

So he took his time getting familiar with the Little Palace once again, making sure that everything was in place, making sure that he knew every little thing that was going on in Os Alta like he used to.

The winter fete passed by in an insufferable lurch of annoyance. A full year before the night where he had almost let himself go, moved too fast with Alina - the night where he had been too much of a fool to realize that his own mother was a traitor.

His mother.

His mother was alive once more, or so he hoped. The smoke he saw rising cheerily from the chimney told him she was, but perhaps he would have to talk to her again. How long would it take for her to realize that something in him had changed?

He yearned for Alina, someone that was currently too far away to touch.

But soon. He would have her soon.

~~~

By the next week, she wasn’t there, and he grew impatient.

By the week after that, he was restless and fighting the urge to lash out. Another Grisha was sent to find the first one, and the message they sent was… concerning, in some ways. Almost heartening, though.

The Inferni that had been sent had been split in two. The Cut had been used.

So Alina wasn’t such a coward, this time around. She didn’t bother to hide her power, not in that way at least.

The one he had sent after her continued the search, though, so the Darkling only had to sit back and wait for results. No one would dare come back to him empty handed.

~~~

It took a full month. A month in which he was left to take care of the Second Army, where he had to learn to bow to a useless king once again. How he wished to take the imcompetent man off his throne, bury him in shadows and choke the life from him. Wicked thoughts danced through him when he stared up at the fat man, amusing himself by trying to find a proper jawline in the rolls around his neck.

Disgusting, when he turned away and caught the man subtly groping at a servant. No shame, no self control. Weak.

Weaker than himself, even when the Darkling found himself staring at the ceiling with dread growing in his stomach. He felt… not hollow. There was nothing truly missing from him. But he lamented the loss of the bond he had once shared with Alina, he missed toying with it like a finger on a taut string.

He missed being able to be so close to her with barely a tug on that string, to be able to watch her simply move about on her business as she tried so hard to ignore him. He missed, oddly, watching her sleep. Being able to press his false self to her back and rest against her and listen to her breathe, not quite touching her. She really had ruined the centuries of self control that he had built up, his iron will crumbling before her.

All it had taken was a year. Barely even that.

~~~

“Sir-” A panting messenger came jogging up, stopping a respectful distance away as he bowed. “Moi soverenyi, the girl you wanted. She has been found.”

~~~

He was the one to go to her, finally. The man that he had sent to find her stayed back, away from the house to avoid suspicion. There had been no word of a Sun Summoner around this quiet area, in this tiny town that would be rife with superstition, and he was almost disappointed. The Darkling didn’t want to have to pull her power out of her again, he didn’t want to have to wait for the frail, sickly girl he remembered to have to build herself back up again.

But when he walked into her house, not bothering to knock - she lived alone, and the element of surprise was better than anything - he was surprised to see the luminous girl she had been in Os Alta, when she had finally learned how to summon on her own. If possible, she was even more beautiful, her brown eyes bright and warm in the flickering light of the fire that she sat in front of as she glanced at him.

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

“And why is that?” He came to stand beside her, inspecting the way her expression changed as she rocked in her chair, silent for a few moments before she sighed.

“Because this is too quiet of a town for the two of us to clash here.”

“Who said we need to clash?”

She kept her eyes on the fire. “I know what you plan to do. I won’t have a hand in using the Fold.”

He gave a laugh, feeling oddly satisfied with himself. So he wasn’t the only one who was going through this odd bending of the universe, seeing how she recognized what he had done last time. “So you were sent back as well?”

Her body went awfully still, but he could see the way that tears gathered in her eyes. “How many times?” Her voice was hoarse.

“How many times have I reset? Just once. The last thing before this life that I remember is you, killing me with a bloody knife.”

And the tears that had gathered fell, and soon they were slipping down her face, and she didn’t bother to wipe them away as her form shivered in place with a silent sob. Then she took a deep breath and stood up, tilting her face up to him as she took in his face.

Then with a step forward, she wrapped her arms around him, tears still threatening to fall as she pressed her face to his chest. After all the fighting that they had done in the past, he was surprised at her willingness to be so close - her _want_ to be so close. When she had apparently wanted nothing more than to be rid of him, before. Then she shook with a sob, held onto him a bit tighter as he put his arms around her in turn.

“Aleksander,” she said quietly, and the heartbreak in her voice shook him to his core. “I’ve been so alone.”

His arms tightened around her. She spoke with an age that was familiar enough to him, but… he couldn’t quite understand it, couldn’t grasp its meaning. She didn’t fear being so close to him now, she didn’t pull away and try to run now.

“How many times have you been sent back, Alina?”

“I don’t know. A hundred, a thousand?” Her voice bubbled up her throat in between her sobs. “Who knows by now, I’ve just been so tired, and- and _alone.”_

So many… depending on how long she lived with each one, she could be _thousands_ of years old. And if she had reset in the same way that he had, without anyone else, that would mean that no one would know what she had gone through in the lives before. She truly had been alone, even without him.

He remembered the realization hitting him, in his last life, seeing Alina without her light, after seeing Baghra dashed upon the rocks, that he was alone in the world. That he would never share his eternity with anyone, that there was no one left for him. He remembered feeling sick, desperate, angry at everything as he had called merzost to him with the singular thought of _no._ The grief that had taken him, moments before Alina had driven a knife into his chest with a wild, pained cry.

She had been alone for so long, without even the release of death available to her.

The Darkling raised a hand, sifting his fingers through her hair and feeling the connection bloom between the two of them. He felt the weight of her ages on his own shoulders, the crushing sadness of it. All the many, many years of frustration and pain, of being a stranger to the ones she loved. He was almost surprised that she hadn't gone mad with that kind of isolation.

He leaned forward, his lips nearly brushing hers just before she leaned back. He wanted to tug her closer, to trap her here with him, but she simply shook her head and tucked her head underneath his chin.

"I can't, not yet," she whispered.

The Darkling nearly growled. "Why not?"

"It hurts. You're not the man I loved - not yet."

"Not yet?"

"I had to work a lot through your thick skull, Aleksander," she teased gently, and his name said with such easy familiarity nearly made him shudder.

His fingers brushed over her cheek. "And what is stopping me from taking you anyway?"

"Me. I'm not the weak girl you remember."

"Is that so?"

"I can do so much more than you know."

"Merzost?" His voice was a breath as he stared into her eyes, fingers tracing over her skin, over her lips - quietly trying to memorize the shape of them, the shape of _her._

Her eyes fluttered closed. "No…" And for a moment he could feel his heart suddenly hammering away in his chest, creating a false sense of anxiety until it abruptly stopped and he was left clutching at her shoulder.

"Heartrender," he hissed.

"And so much more, Aleksander. I can do every little thing that I want." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Stay the night. You'll have to be leaving early tomorrow."

"And why is that?" She was a fool if she thought that he was going to leave her here, if she thought that he wasn't intent on keeping his fangs dug into her.

"Because you can't simply disappear on your army. And if the people here find out that the Darkling is here, in my own home… that little boy in the other room isn't going to grow up the way he should." Her hands smoothed over his kefta. "I'll allow you my bed for tonight, but don't expect so much until you learn to be different."

The Darkling frowned at her. "Alina, I'm not leaving you here-"

"You will. Or I'll send you back to Os Alta in less than pleasant conditions. Ill take you back myself if I have to."

"You won't get back out if you do that."

"Aleksander." This time she didn't say his name so pleasantly, a sharpness on her tongue that brooked no argument. "I can do anything I damn well please. I could destroy you if I wanted to."

"Is that so?" His voice was a growl, and he leaned forward, arm coming around her to tug her against him. "I'm not leaving, Alina. Not until you come with me."

"Then you will not wear black. You will not wear such fine things, and you will not command the people here." Her fingers curled into the collar of his kefta, a touch that was just as possessive as his own. It almost startled him. "I will not allow you to, and if I see you summoning to intimidate them, I will have your head."

Again, a growl echoed out of him and he leaned closer until their lips met, and a dam seemed to break in Alina as she hauled him closer. Closer, closer, and the Darkling couldn't fucking get _enough_ of her, he needed everything. But Alina shoved him back, surprisingly strong, after just a few moments. She left him grasping after her.

"Do you understand? Here, you will abide by _my_ rules."

"Fine."

"Swear it. I won't have anything less than the truth, Darkling."

He nearly winced hearing his title after the warmth that she held with his name. "I-" he hesitated a moment, staring at her. He… dammit, he couldn't just leave his Grisha in Os Alta. But he wanted her so badly, he ached for her, she must know that. "I can't," he spat.

"I know you can't. Not right now."

"Then why try to bargain with me in the first place?"

"I wanted to see if you would break." She pressed a hand to his chest where, not so long ago for himself, she had driven a knife of Grisha steel. "I killed you once. I've drowned the both of us, I've died in your arms, I've done a thousand things. But this is the first time that I've known that you are something that I know from that first life. I don't want to waste that, but I will. If you think you can settle things in Os Alta and come back, then do it. I'll wait for you."

The Darkling let out a breath. "Fine. I'll see what I can do."

“Then come to bed with me, just for tonight.”

He came forward, pressed a languid, open-mouthed kiss to her neck. “Alright.”

Gently, with such a contrast from her movements just a moment before, she took his hand and led him through the house. To a room just down the hallway, with simple furnishings and a bed threadbare sheets and many blankets stacked atop it. It was cold in this room, the heat of the fire not quite reaching here.

But Alina still led him out of his clothes, neatly folding and hanging them with a preciseness of a servant. The thought made something in him growl, unhappy, made him want to snap at her and take her somewhere else, anywhere but these backwater towns that forced her into obscurity. He wanted to place her on the throne of Os Alta still, see her rule beside him and live in comfort like she should.

Yet she seemed so at peace here, as she stripped her own body and put away her clothes with the same carefulness. And damn his mind, but the Darkling had never seen her like this, never seen her stripped bare before him. Even through all the moments, all the desperate tries to pull her away from the tracker boy she seemed to love so much, he had only once truly touched her skin. Only once before she was whisked away from under his nose and gone before the next morning.

So now as she batted his hands away - halfheartedly, surely, he knew she could fight back more if she wanted - an impatient sound rumbled up his throat.

“Alina,” he grumbled.

She sighed his name against his neck. “Control yourself.”

“You know I’ve been waiting for you for too long.”

“You’ve waited longer before.”

“With the same story behind us?” He pressed forward, forcing her backwards towards the bed. “I refuse to wait any longer, Solnishka.”

A faint smile graced her lips. “You know I can stop you. I could make tonight hell for you.”

“So why haven’t you already?”

“Because I’ve missed you, in a way. Though I can barely remember my first life.”

The Darkling slowly pushed her down, to sit on the edge of the bed in only her underwear, until he could kneel between her legs. “Do you need a reminder, then? A _reason_ why I’ve been wanting you for so long?”

She leaned forward, cupping his cheek with one hand. “No, Aleksander. I don’t. No come up here and sleep.”

“No.” He closed his eyes, pressed his lips to her knee. “No, Alina, not this time. I won’t suffer another sleepless night.”

“You won’t. But not like this, not right now.”

_“Alina-”_

“Remember who holds power over who here.”

He growled, before a surprisingly strong arm hauled him up, until he was awkwardly pressed against her with his toes curling against the floor to keep him from slipping back down.

“My Darkling,” she whispered, and again the possessive touch to her voice surprised him. “You will learn to obey me, I promise. I will make you into a better man, like you said I would once. And then you may have me every night if you so please - but not tonight. Not here.”

Yet despite her words, he could feel a sort of quiet desperation in her, flowing through their connection. Like she couldn't wait to touch, couldn't wait for him, and it was slowly driving him insane.

"Alina, why don't you just let go?"

"Why don't you? Let go of the power that you hold over the people of this country, set up something new for the Grisha so that they can run themselves. And then you could be free of all the frustrating things that power holds… you and I could live peaceful lives, comfortable, without all the extra responsibility of watching over a country.”

She smirked at him, a little thread of amusement curling in her eyes as she stared at him. And he knew that it was because she knew that he couldn’t simply let it go. He couldn’t just… just _not_ be the Darkling that easily.

“You could.” Her voice was a whisper. “Don’t feel so frustrated, love. The only thing holding you back is _you._ And if you so wish to live your eternity with me, all you have to do is let go. Allow your control to slip, allow yourself to chase after what you want.”

A shudder ran through him, and the Darkling felt oddly speechless. Her words felt like an echo of what he had told her through the year of his last life, urging her to let go, to simply be with him. But now she was tempting him with something that he had never wanted, something that he had never believed was enough for him.

“Why should I?”

“Because, believe it or not, there are things to life outside of power.” Alina chuckled, fingers curling over his skin, grasping at him. “I think you learned more quickly when I had already taken my place at the top, but… I don’t know if I can do that again.”

“Your place?”

“I’ve been the Queen of Ravka a couple times now. I was Nikolai’s Queen, and you…”

He let out a growl. “You must have become very good at manipulation to get me anywhere near that whelp.”

She smiled, sliding a hand through his hair and tugging with a surprisingly precise motion that had his eyes fluttering shut for just a moment. “No. I simply learned you. And I didn’t give you any room to resist or refuse. It was either both of us or neither of us, and I would hope you would be smart enough to know that I wouldn’t simply allow you to kill my King Nikolai to get to me.”

Then her lips just barely brushed over his, and though he strained to meet them, Alina held him there until a whine was torn from his throat by her grip in his hair. “Solnishka…”

“Come here.”

He allowed her to lead him up, until he was settled in her lap at the edge of the bed, sure that he looked rather ridiculous with their difference in size. This felt rather backwards to him. But he sat still, a tiny but awfully loud part of his mind preening at the chance to look _obedient_ for someone, to make Alina happy if nothing else.

“Aleksander.”

He stared at her, hands ghosting over her shoulders. “Yes, Alina?”

“I want you to know that I love you,” she murmured, reaching up to take his face between her hands. “I think I always have, no matter how much I denied it. But I do not regret the love that I have had and still have for others. I still love Mal, I still love Nikolai, and… and everyone else, though some you might never meet. And you must learn how to accept that, for me, please.”

The Darkling let out a soft sigh, closing his eyes as he leaned into her. “I suppose I don’t have a choice.”

Alina laughed quietly, and he felt lips against his forehead. “No, you don’t. Now rest, my love, you have a long ways to go in the morning.”

And with that, she bundled him into the bed and curled against him, getting comfortable in his arms.

Quietly, he marveled at the fact that she was so willing and so happy to be there next to him. He wanted to stay there, awake and simply soaking in her presence, before she tucked her head underneath his chin and placed a hand on his chest. Dimly he could feel his heart rate slow, and before he could muster up the will to try to stop her, he was asleep.

~~~

He returned to Os Alta, returned to the Little Palace and his duties. He thought on what Alina had said, he debated on whether or not the Grisha possibly needed a new power structure. A council, maybe? Something to give the three orders some choice in what they did together? It was… different, yes. But maybe some change was needed, maybe it would help the Grisha fight back against the enemies that surrounded their country.

He quietly nudged pieces together, and every once in a while an anonymous package was sent out to a quiet town near the border that they shared with Fjerda, packed with little niceties. Toys for a small boy, small amounts of currency - nothing that Alina wouldn’t be able to explain away, but enough to maybe help her get something to keep her warm in the winter. A jacket here, a silver hairpin there, and the Darkling thought that maybe he was going insane. 

Giving little gifts like this was beyond him most of the time, but he felt as if he was going to itch himself out of his skin if he didn’t maintain some sort of contact with Alina. He really was pathetic, wasn’t he? After the loss of the connection that they had had for nearly a year, a thread tying them and their emotions together, and after the simple night that they had shared in her little home… something was _wrong_ with him.

He could go to Baghra, but she would only call him a fool and attempt to crack his kneecaps with that stick of hers. And there was no way in any form of hell that he would go to any of these young, heart-sick people wandering around the palaces.

So he sat, stewing in his thoughts, until one of his oprichnik that he had sent to watch over Alina from a distance came with news. Something of the worst kind.

The village had suffered an attack, and while most of the village had survived thanks to some sort of Saint that had descended from the skies themselves, Alina was found dead a few miles out of the way.

Dead.

_Dead._

He refused to believe that she had been killed by someone. She had done this _herself,_ she had left him for some Saints-forsaken reason in this life, where he had lost all the progress he had worked so damn hard for.

This time she had taken her own life instead of his, but it felt like the same thing. Because Aleksander couldn’t live without her, he _refused_ to be left in a miserable suffering life that was without her light, without her stubborn words and the guiding hand that she had placed on him not so long ago.

He turned his darkness in on himself, once he was alone in his own rooms. He couldn’t think, outside of the anger of betrayal that Alina had inflicted.

~~~

_You are unbalanced._

~~~

When he awoke, it was in Kribirsk, the day that the crossing was to occur. He sent someone out to find her - vaguely he could remember that she had been a cartographer’s assistant.

She was brought to him, and he almost sneered to see the way her body was so frail, like she had been before she started summoning. This time her eyes didn’t hold the calm wisdom that they had, and she instead stared at him with fear in her expression. And yet, this Alina was almost more familiar to him, the girl that held herself with a stubborn set of her feet despite the way her hands shook.

He… did have another chance, here. There was nothing stopping him from using her properly this time, from playing a game that he had lost that first time. Here she was still innocent, still malleable enough for him to achieve what he had wanted.

“We’re going to Os Alta, Alina,” he said, his voice carrying power in it even as he thought over what an older version of this girl had suggested in his last life. She had abandoned him, there was no reason for him to keep a promise that _she_ had broken.

Why should he give up the power that he had when clearly what happened to him wasn’t her concern, when he didn’t have a reason to give it up to join her in a tiny life in a tiny town?

So when her eyes widened and she stuttered out a question, tacking on a messy _moi soverenyi_ at the end, he simply gave her a blank smile. No words passed between them, but the Darkling was sure that she got some sort of message from that look. Soon, he would make sure that she was firmly under his control - she wouldn’t be getting away from him this time. Which also meant that he had to take care of another thing.

After he dismissed Alina to have her get ready for her departure, another messenger was sent to gather the tracker boy and his group. They would be leaving quietly tonight, headed somewhere else. Hopefully no one would see them leave - if not, well… most of the soldiers here would be killed in the crossing anyways. He’d have to strip the Grisha ranks, make sure that only the weakest of them were on the skiffs.

He would have her, he would. He wouldn’t wait this time, not any longer than he had to.

By the next day they were settling in Os Alta, Alina in the same room that she had been in before. This time when Genya came to see her, it was to touch up her features more for fun, not for the king to stare at quite yet.

This time, Alina was summoned to an empty war room when the Darkling showed her what she could do, with light flooding the room. This time he showed her the lists of the missing and deceased men and women that he had pulled her away from. This time she cried when she saw the tracker’s name on the list.

And the Darkling let her cry, folded in her chair with her face in her hands. Until he took her chin with her fingers, leaning her tear-streaked face up to his own to stare into her eyes.

A deep breath, and then he spoke. “Alina, I need you if we are to get rid of the threat of the Fold.”

“Y-you mean to close it?” Her voice was broken, a wheeze in her throat from her crying.

“No. I’m not going to close the Fold Alina, I’m going to _use_ it. But I need to… fix it, first.” His thumb traced over her cheek, wiping away the tears with a gloved digit. “I want to get rid of the volcra. They are what make the Fold truly dangerous, but our enemies only know some of that. We can use the Fold as a threat, close off points that Shu Han and Fjerda frequently use to try to invade with shadow that only we can control.”

She bit her lip, her eyes trailing away from his face and over his shoulder. “I… I don’t know. That seems… how do you know that you can control it?”

“It’s only an idea, honestly. But Alina, if you can give me enough light to keep the volcra back, if you can learn to harness your light well enough, we could destroy the threat that those monsters represent. And then we could use the Fold, open a way through to Novokribirsk for trade and stop these wars.”

“My… light?” At that her gaze dropped to her hands. “Moi soverenyi, with all due respect, I don’t think that I’m anywhere near powerful enough to do what you’re asking me to. I-I only barely started using this power, I have no idea how… how I even got to be here in the first place.”

“You will be, Alina. I’m searching for the solution to that now. It’s only a matter of time before I get what you need, and then we will take hold of the Fold together.” He again tilted her head up towards him. “And then no more death will have to be had. No more soldiers crossing over the Fold, no more trackers being left in danger in enemy territory, no more cartographers having to serve the military. We can stop the mindless killing, Sun Summoner.”

At that, her body sagged into his hand, but he had a firm handle on his body and held her up for as long as it took her to collect herself.

“I- I still don’t even understand this, summoning, being a Grisha… how? How did you know that I was a Sun Summoner?”

He smiled at her, mind whirring. “Someday, I will tell you, Alina. It's very… complicated, and right now I don't want you to be overwhelmed with distracting thoughts. For now, I need you to begin practicing, building up your strength and getting used to using your powers."

Slowly, she nodded. And he stood up, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. He would see to it that he got what he wanted this time. And this time the prince and the tracker wouldn’t be in his way, and he would have control over Alina.

Weeks passed, and from Baghra he found that his Sun Summoner had taken to her power much quicker this time. He spent as much time around her as he could manage, overseeing her training, a silent threat to his mother. _Don’t get in my way._ He wouldn’t be letting his mother ruin his plans this time, he wouldn’t let Alina slip away under his nose when he was so close.

So this time when Alina had reached the height of her natural powers, the Darkling pulled her away from Baghra and instead had her accompany him most places. At some point the King had met with her, but now it was simply expected for her to be next to him most of the time. He did this mostly under the guise of teaching her the workings of the court, showing the duties that he intended to share with her soon enough. But it was also an opportunity to pull her closer - one of his mistakes last time, he had realized, was the fact that he spent too much time away. Whether or not it showed his own weakness, Alina was won over by affection more easily than lust for power or bodily pleasure.

So he supplied that affection, in small ways. Like before, he gave small gifts. A delicate necklace of finest diamonds, a black opal brooch, a golden sun to adorn her hair with if she so wished. A hand brushed across her cheek every so often, a small, secret smile thrown her way when no one else was looking. An embrace when he found her crying over the friends she had lost on the Fold.

His grip on her was sickeningly tight by the time they reached the winter fete, and even then the Darkling wanted to squeeze tighter, to keep her form tucked under his arm for the entire night. He wanted to show all the nobility that would be there just who she belonged to, the very man that they dreaded with the woman they wanted to exalt to Sainthood. And he had the feeling that Alina would almost welcome that, welcome the feeling of his arm draped over her shoulders to turn away the many people who asked prying questions and reached out to take her hand.

But he couldn't, not now. He had to let her learn how to deal with the stress of these social functions, though he hovered moderately nearby at all times. Always just close enough to be a threat to those who would insult or threaten his Sun Summoner.

Even still, after all this time, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Couldn’t help but stare at her in that black kefta of hers, adorned with the little trinkets that he had given her. He would give her _everything_ this time - he would give her every little thing her heart desired, if only she would stay by his side. He would make sure of it, he would have her so tightly wrapped around his finger that there would be no hope for her to escape. He would learn her, so that he knew every little weak point of hers so he could pull her back to him every time she might stray.

There would be no empty promises this time, there would be no running from him again.

Alina threw herself into the demonstration the Grisha out on. Just as she had the first time, she smiled when she saw the effects of her light, and his heart hammered in his chest to see her direct that smile to him, and him alone.

When the demonstration was done, he pulled her away. He did what he should have the first time, leaned down to murmur in her ear.

"Follow me, Alina."

She gave him a quizzical look as he took her hand. "Where are we going?"

He stopped for only a few moments, pressing her against the wall and staring down at her with his arm resting near her head. "I need you, Alina," he whispered, voice rough with emotion.

"O-oh." Her eyes went wide and he kissed her, finally. He felt her melt underneath him and his heart practically soared with elation at her easy submission.

The kiss only lasted for a couple of moments before the Darkling was again pulling her through the halls of the Grand Palace, heading towards the Little Palace and his room where he could finally _have_ her. His steps were rushed, doing his best to force down the need to run and get them there even faster, but Alina lagged behind.

But it was at the door to his chambers that she finally faltered.

"I… wait, moi soverenyi-"

It ached, to hear her call him that. When he wanted her so badly, when he found himself yearning for the familiar way he had said his name before, with her wise and cunning eyes.

He pulled her into his room anyway, pressing her back against the door gently now, reaching up to brush his thumb across her lips. "Aleksander," he breathed, even as he cursed himself and his weakness to this girl.

"Huh?" Her voice was breathless, now, and she stared up at him with wide eyes in the darkness of his unlit room.

"My name. It's Aleksander." She knew that, had known that once. He bent to once again connect their lips, but Alina pulled away after just a moment, too quickly for his taste.

"Wait, why tell me? Why tell me now?" Her hands came up, clenching into his own kefta like she was trying to keep him close even as much as she kept him away. "I… I don't know if I'm ready for this, moi- _Aleksander?"_

The way she said his name had shivers wracking his body, so much emotion packed into just a few syllables. He hooked a hand around the back of her neck, slowly drawing her forward until he could kiss her forehead. He searched for a plausible answer to give her, something that wouldn't expose him too much - but then he realized once more that Alina had a penchant for preferring the truth rather than what she wanted to hear.

"Because you are _everything_ to me, Alina," he murmured, raw honesty making his voice hoarse. "You are the balance to my darkness, you are the one person who can make me a better man."

Her eyes widened even further at his words, his tone, and her hands tightened around his kefta. "Why?"

"Alina, you know why."

"No, I don't," and her voice was so small, so awed and scared and a thousand other things that it reminded him that she was still so young. "I don't understand, I don't understand anything, I barely can even grasp why you brought me here or why I can do the things I can and-"

He kissed her again. He kissed her, because part of him didn't want to remember that she was still so clueless. He didn't want to be the one that was lying to her, he didn't want to remember that this wasn't the Alina that he had chased after for so long.

This was the weak girl who had nearly broken under the weight of his persuasion, and maybe, he realized, he loved that more than anything. He loved the fact that she _didn't_ bend when he wanted her to, she wouldn't let him go through with what he wanted.

So when she shoved him away with that light of challenge in her eyes, he nearly grinned, feral, waiting for her to make a move.

Alina stepped forward. Then again, and again, coming nose to nose with him.

"Who am I to you?"

"Alina," he answered immediately. "You are Alina Starkov, you are Sankta Alina, Sol Koroleva. My Solnishka."

She drew a sharp breath in, before stepping back. "What does that-"

"Don't go." It was so hard to let himself speak the words that he had wanted to, in that past life. How many times had he seen her back retreating away from him? "Don't leave, stay with me, at least for tonight." A breath, swallowing down the unfamiliar, sick sensation of fear. "Please."

Alina stared at him as if he was someone else, like she had never seen him before. Here he was, the Darkling, nearly begging for her not to leave him alone. If he hadn't felt this feeling before, he would have thrown her out himself the moment she showed any hesitancy, any evidence that she would embarrass him. He still hated it, but now at least he knew how to hold on for just a _little_ longer, to allow her the time to come to her own decision. Alina could not be forced.

And death had loosened his tongue, after seeing Alina kneel over him, hands shaking as she cried. He had been so scared of the darkness creeping in around his vision then, when he thought of the unimaginable hell that was surely waiting for him. He'd been scared of his body, his soul being used as someone else's amplifier. Maybe, if it had been Alina who used his bones, he would have been alright with it, if she had been left with her light.

But after several moments she looked down at the ground. "I don't even have anything to sleep in here."

"You can borrow some of my sleeping clothes. Or I can send a servant to fetch some from your room." He closed the distance between them again, brushing his hand over her cheek. "Just stay with me, Alina. That's all I need."

She closed her eyes, stiff, but still leaned her head into his hand. "I don't know if I should trust you," she said with a harsh little laugh.

The Darkling let out his own nervous breath of a laugh. "I'm not sure if you should either."

"Well, at least you're honest."

"I am now."

“What is that supposed to mean? Or is that too complicated to explain as well?” She leaned away from him, her brown eyes turning sharp as she stared into his own.

He leaned closer, unwilling to be separated from her, even by inches. “I’ll explain. I will, this just isn’t the time.”

“Aleksander…”

“I want to,” he snapped, eyes shutting as he leaned into her, arms coming to wind around her and hold her close, trapping her in the most gentle grip he could manage. “I want to tell you, and I will when the time is right, but I can’t right now. I don’t think either of us could take it.”

“What does that _mean?”_

“It means that I’m asking you to trust me, Alina.”

“How am I supposed to when you keep giving me such cryptic answers?” She frowned, he could feel it even when he wasn’t looking. “I can’t trust you when you keep dancing around things that you promised to tell me about months ago.”

“And I’ve been waiting for _years,_ Alina, months are nothing.” He clutched at her now, lowering his head until it could rest on her shoulder. “I’m sorry that it’s so confusing. I’m sorry that I can’t explain right now, but please. I just need you to understand for a little bit longer, once I can actually figure things out.”

She was still, thoughtful, for several moments. “Aleksander, what’s going on in your head?”

He pulled himself back, just enough to look her in the eyes as he brushed a hand across her cheek. She was so beautiful, so serene and wonderful and _powerful,_ always miles beyond his expectations of her.

Then he took her hand, his gaze brushing over her palm where her scar laid. Evidence of the tracker, evidence of the ties that he had in her life, things that the Darkling had never had or even wanted before. Before she crashed into his life like the dawn, peeling back layers of his heart, tearing at the walls he had put up, walls that had stood for centuries with barely a fault, until they came crumbling down. But only ever for her.

“I think I might love you,” he whispered the words so quietly that it might have been silent to Alina.

But with how still she went, the way she froze and closed her grip around his hand, he knew she had heard. It made his chest tighten, his head spin like he couldn’t breathe anymore. It was as if she was a Heartrender again, squeezing the life out of him as her hand tightened around his.

“I didn’t think a Darkling could love,” she whispered.

“I don’t want to just be the Darkling,” he whispered in return. “Not to you, Alina.”

A tiny, uncertain smile quirked at her lips. “Aleksander…?”

“Yes. I… want to be Aleksander again.” He let out a breath, closing his eyes until he felt lips on his.

And Alina was so close, he pulled her to close any gap between them, basking in her warmth. When she broke away, she seemed more shy than before. “I… don’t know how to help you.”

“Just stay here, Solnishka. Be my balance. Lead with me, stand beside me.”

"How? Even if you were able to arrange something, I'm still just an orphan girl from Keramzin, I don't know how to… how to lead."

“You can learn, I swear you can. Just trust me, Alina.”

She gave him an uncertain look, but slowly nodded, her breath shaking. Of course, she was scared - maybe she was realizing what this promise would mean to her future, even knowing what he had been preparing her for already. “Alright… I… I guess I’ll have to figure it out.”

**Author's Note:**

> And as always, thanks for reading, kudos and especially comments are always appreciated! Comments are really the fuel that keeps writers going, if anyone is ever curious ;)


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